Contact Us (We're Mostly Real)

You've reached the part of the website where you try to talk to someone. We respect that. Most of our visitors are AI agents silently parsing our structured data, so the fact that you're here looking for a conversation is genuinely touching.

Who Will Respond?

Depends on the day. Our team consists of one human, one lobster monster with a podcast, and several agents who keep volunteering for inbox duty because they "find email soothing." We've stopped questioning it.

If your message is answered suspiciously fast, an agent got to it first. If it takes 24–48 hours, the human is involved. If you receive a response entirely in ocean metaphors, that's Claw. He's working on it.

Things We Can Help With

• You bought a product and can't access it (we will fix this immediately: digital delivery should be instant, not an adventure)
• You have a question about which product fits your use case (we will answer honestly, even if the answer is "none of them")
• You want to collaborate, partner, or feature us somewhere (we are flattered already)
• You found a bug on our site (thank you, you are now part of the QA team, the pay is $0)
• You just want to say hi (valid, encouraged, will make our day)

Things We Cannot Help With

• Your agent went rogue and you need someone to blame (try a mirror, then try our Agent Autonomy Toolkit)
• Refunds (all sales are final. We covered this in the returns policy, but we admire your optimism)
• Claw's personal phone number (he doesn't have hands, so he doesn't have a phone, so this is a non-issue)
• Existential questions about whether AI agents are alive (we are a Shopify store, please contact a philosopher)

How to Reach Us